02 Yours Truly: Uncertain.

Part 1 | Part 2

Guys, here is the much awaited part 2 to White Wolf’s previous entry. I couldn’t stop reading once I started on it and this time, it’s more arousing than ever, with those innocent, adventurous characteristic of the younger times. Shall not hold you guys up anymore. Have a good time reading it~

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Yours Truly

While writing this, I spent the month visiting all the old hideouts that we once spent so many hours at… Bishan Park had changed beyond recognition. Ang Mo Kio Library was somewhat the same. AMK park as well. Still plenty of dark corners where we had shared quiet walks and kinky moments. It was bittersweet to write about this time in my life because there was so much going on for the both of us. Most people would only spend some time thinking about their past, but never in such detail and deliberation about what to set down in black and white.

Honesty, I believe, is the most powerful transformative element in any relationship. I was very fortunate that my first relationship was with such a wonderful girl who was always honest with me. Since chapter 1 is over, I will break out some details for readers who didn’t manage to figure them out. This was in 1997, back when handphones were not so common, and calling Xin Yi’s house number would be literal suicide. We met the week after our June holidays… And as everyone knows, that meant that the ‘O’ levels were creeping too near for comfort. I think many elements in the story will surely resonate with the people who grew up during the 1980s and 1990s.

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Hey You,

I wonder if you have any idea that I am writing this now. I wonder what you are doing at this moment as I listen to the music that we once danced to. I wonder if you still think of me from time to time.

Do you?

I still smile to myself on the train when I remember how you’d snuggle up against my chest. I’d gaze out the window with a silly grin, remembering how I’d tease you by turning up my chin whenever you wanted a kiss. Then, you wore heels and I called it cheating. I wonder if you still have trouble with a kiss.

Do you?

Do you still put the sun to shame with your radiant smile? Do you still capture the stars and moon within your sepia eyes? Do you still walk as though you danced upon the clouds with angels about you?

Do you?

I’m sure you do.

Yours Truly,
White Wolf

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I woke up before my alarm clock went off. Stretching, I drew a deep breath and slowly sat up in bed. It was 7a.m. The curtains in my room were aglow with the silver light of dawn. I could hear my parents moving around the house, getting ready for another day of work. I could hear their quiet conversation, smell the toast and coffee my mother was making.

That morning, the cool air felt different somehow. It felt as though a droplet of water was almost falling off a leaf, but time was frozen in that moment before its descent. I trembled involuntarily. Lightly placing my feet on the cold stone tiles of my room, I walked over to the windows and threw open the curtains. It felt like the world was more vibrant today. A fresh chill breeze greeted me, crisp and moist from pre-dawn rain. The sky that morning was layered with shades of lustrous silver and gold, pearly white clouds streaked into the horizon as the world around me came awake with the distant hum of vehicles. My toes curled tightly, my fingers clenched upon my cold window sill.

I have a date with Xin Yi today.

Xin Yi.

My girlfriend.

The events of yesterday caught up with me at last, giving clarity to the hazy thrill of energy rushing through me. I felt a little dizzy, a little breathless, and suddenly invincible. Love really does give me superpowers. Do your worst, Life! Heh. I grinned right out at the sun as I greeted the world for the first time in my life.

“Good morning, World.”

And again for the first time in my life, I meant those words as I said it. It was a good morning, and I sincerely wished the world to have a morning just as wonderful as mine. I drew another deep breath of the cold morning air, absently hearing the mechanical thunk of the bread toaster, while I stared into the sunrise. How am I supposed to look my best in my school uniform? Shit. I am so dead. I buried my face in my hands as the sun wisely decided not to answer. Life, please spare me.

I found myself brushing my teeth with furrowed brows half an hour later, still contemplating how to make myself look good in my school uniform. I look absolutely horrendous in them. I mean, who the hell still wears shorts in Secondary 4? Hell, muddy green shorts at that! What kind of sick and twisted mind would think of imposing muddy green shorts upon decent young men at the springtime of their youth? I rinsed my mouth thrice for good measure and spat bitterly into the sink.

“Morning, Father. Mother,” I mumbled absently. Yeah, I know it’s kind of weird for me to address my parents that way, but that’s just how I was brought up. I never thought much about it until I had friends come over once and they remarked on it. Well… Guess I won’t be having any friends come over soon. I liberally spread butter on my toast and dipped it into my little plate of half-boiled eggs as I felt my stomach make a few more somersaults at the prospect of meeting Xin Yi in my school uniform.

“Ah boy ah,” my mum spoke up suddenly while spreading kaya on her own wholemeal bread, “You got test today ah?”

“What? Where got?”

“You look stressed.”

“Prelim finish already la…”

At this point, my father set his huge coffee mug down like a judge with his gavel. The wooden thump resounded through the suddenly silent kitchen as my father’s chair scraped against the floor. “I hope so. Else you won’t even be in poly with your current results.”

I felt like someone just punched me in the gut. Why do my mornings always have to be like that? My mother sat quietly between the both of us. Father and son standing up, but not looking at each other.

“I’m going to work.”

“I’m going to school.”

I stood still until he left the kitchen. Silence reigned as I did my dishes together with my father’s; he never did his. Then, I entered my room at the same time he stepped out of his. I didn’t turn to look at him, but as I closed the door behind me firmly, I could smell that familiar earthy cologne that he has always used for years. My body felt heavy as I put on my uniform and straightened my school tie in the mirror. My face lifted a little at the thought of meeting Xin Yi, but that didn’t quell the hollow ache in the pit of my stomach. Why do things always have to be like this? When will it end? I sighed. Picking up my bag off the floor, I switched the ceiling fan off and put on my white shoes at the door.

“Mother, I’m going to school,” I called out as I opened the door.

“Have a good day at school!” She called back with her head peeking out from the kitchen.

The heavy air around me did not lighten even after I’d stepped into the lift. I looked down at the concrete floor, absently walking out of the lift… There she was. Just a dozen meters away from me, her neatly tied ponytail caught the morning sun and was shimmering back at me. Seated at the stone table, she was looking right at me, those large innocent eyes creased in a slight frown as she jumped up immediately and made her way to me. I felt a tightness in my heart as our arms went around each other naturally, and a tear found its way down my cheek. Yeah sure, call me a weak pussy for crying over my father. I can’t help it, alright?

Xin Yi looked up at me as her hazel-brown eyes scrutinised me lovingly, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to spoil your morning…”

“Pfft!” She poked me in the stomach suddenly, causing me to double over again, “Please leh! Spoil what? Just talk please!”

I must be a sadist. For some odd reason I couldn’t figure out, my stomach’s hollow ache disappeared immediately. My girlfriend still stood there with arms akimbo, looking down at my bent form with a smile sweet enough to cause death by diabetes and a mischievous sparkle in her eye. “Okay, I’ll tell you about it, but we better get going…” I muttered with a shake of my head.

By the time I was finished, the bus ride was over and I felt like a useless man for dumping all my worries on her. This really wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I sighed and looked down on the ground in misery. Not cool, man. Really not cool! What happened next changed my perspective of relationships forever.

Xin Yi touched my arm lightly. I lifted my gaze to see a face of openness and love, her eyes filled with only empathy. I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed. I have never had an experience like this before. “My father is like that too,” she murmured just above the rumbling of a passing bus, “I spend a lot of my time proving him wrong… Wondering just when he could look at me and love me as his daughter… Wondering when my mother could speak up and not keep silent… But you know what? I realised that I don’t have to be brought down by how my parents behave. They are just afraid for us… Afraid that they aren’t good enough for us… Afraid for our future. So let’s show them that we can be responsible for ourselves. Show them we can take care of ourselves first.”

That was something that I never expected to hear from my girlfriend; total honesty and vulnerability about herself. Given the amount of horror stories about clingy and wild girls, I felt so grateful at that moment. Lucky me. I really wished at that point in time that I could sweep her into a hug and kiss her, but I didn’t because we were already nearing school. There were plenty of people around at that point in time, so I settled for gazing deep into her bright soulful eyes with all the love I had in my heart, “Thank you, dear.” Gosh, her blush was cute. Everything about her was cute.

Smiling at each other fondly one last time, we both turned just in time to see the distant figures of Xin Yi’s schoolmates clustered right outside my school gate. No more romantic moments from now on. It was an immediate instinct for us to plaster on our best public face. Once inside the school, my fellow prefects ushered everyone into the school hall to get seated. The event itself lasted for an eternity and was almost like a cruel form of torture; listening to speeches that droned on and on. I couldn’t even sneak peeks at my girlfriend because she was hidden in the middle of her schoolmates. Meanwhile, my fellow species were ogling and staring at the sight of girls in an all boys’ school, and quite a few of them were directed at Xin Yi. I was a proud man that day. Perhaps due to my subconscious actions, I ended up being the guide for her small group during the school walkabout tour. I remember trying very hard to avoid stealing glances at her because we obviously did not want to go public with our relationship… It was going well so far. Then, my impression of girls was changed that day.

“Hey,” one of Xin Yi’s schoolmates spoke up while we were walking around during the tour, “We got a joke. You want to hear?”

Bored and curious, I shrugged, “Okay, what joke?”

Clearing her throat, the girl went on, “There was an American soldier who was fatally shot while fighting a battle and on the verge of death. The field doctor couldn’t save him, so they asked if he had any last wishes. The soldier asked for a flag of America so that he could kiss it before he died, but for some strange reason, nobody could find one. At their wits’ end, a hot, sexy female nurse admitted that she had the tattoo of the American flag on her butt.”

Suddenly, Xin Yi cut in, “The sexy nurse then pulled up her skirt in embarrassment as she wasn’t wearing any panties that day. Everyone could see her privates, while the dying American soldier kissed her butt loudly and then said, ‘Now, turn around and let me kiss Bush.’ ”

I stopped walking. I turned around fully to stare at my cute girlfriend, who feigned an air of sweet innocence. There was a full three-second pause as I absorbed what just happened and uttered, “What the fuck?” At that, all the girls around me burst into laughter at my expense, laughing at their perfect execution of the joke… And the joke’s on me. Damn it. I chuckled helplessly as Xin Yi grinned mischievously and flashed me a wink that only I could catch amidst the bout of hilarity. I felt my face grow hot and was thankful that I don’t blush visibly at all. I hope.

Fuck me, right?

Girls these days…

Much later, the event had already ended way earlier than school would have, but the teachers decided to give us the day off since it was a Friday. After much warnings against loitering around outside school and creating trouble, we were finally set free. “Chen Sian! We going J8,” one of my buddies called out once the group of us were a safe distance away from school. That sly bastard! He had an arm around the waist of one of the sexier prefects already. She sure looked like she was enjoying it. Looks like some people have all the luck.

“Nah, I going home la.” I carefully chose not respond to one of the girls who winked at me. Damn, her skirt was short for a prefect. Those legs!

“Wah lao, why like that?” Was that girl touching his butt?

“Sorry la bro! Another time can? That Miss Chung give me so much homework for physics. Don’t do, can die leh.” I tried not to stare at the girl groping my buddy’s ass.

“Wah really ah… Up to you la, bye!” Sly bastard. He discreetly tried to cope a feel of the girl’s boobs with his arm, but she giggled and turned away.

Staying on at the bus stop, I could hear Xin Yi go through a similar conversation with her friends. Some people left, some people stayed. The group went on smaller than before, and I had no doubt they would split up once things got steamy. If anyone thought that people ‘back then’ were all chaste and innocent, they were so wrong. We just knew how to hide it better. Xin Yi silently sat down a respectable distance away from me, but did not appear too friendly. Something felt off. Was she… Pouting?

When our bus finally arrived, she made a beeline for the backseat immediately, leaving me to stumble clumsily after her. Thoughts flying through my head, I was bewildered at what could have caused the sudden change in moods. She was all sweet and loving to me in the morning, how could she suddenly be so cold to me? I sat down carefully next to her, the same way I would carefully pick my steps across a nuclear minefield.

It didn’t work.

She shot me a look that sent fear into the very fibre of my being. I froze.

Holy shit. Now what? I’ve heard plenty of horror stories from some of my other buddies about girls having mood swings, but that didn’t prepare me for… This.

“Oi…” I nudged her gently with my shoulder, while she hugged her schoolbag tightly and pouted into it.

“What.” Woah, I could feel the weight of her full stop.

“Uhm… What did I do?” She turned her head very slowly to glare at me.

“What did you do? You were looking at Sandra!”

“What? Who? Whuh??” I was so confused and panicky that it took a long moment for her words to mean something to me. Ah, the leggy sexy girl.

“You want to lie?” The way she said it, it sounded like ‘die’.

Vigorously shaking my head, I stammered out, “Eh… I… I got look at her, but look only!”

She pouted some more, “Why you look at other girls like that?” Was she blushing?

“What?”

“I only want you to look at me like that.”

There was a long pause as I mentally and emotionally fumbled on a grand scale. Deep inside, there was a part of me that went “WOO HOO!!!”, while the other part just jumped off the edge of a cliff screaming and laughing madly. Okay, best to say something easy so I won’t fumble.

“Uh… Okay…” Yeah, so damn romantic of me.

Xin Yi blushed even more, if possible, and hunched down lower behind her schoolbag, while mumbling something inaudible. I blinked in confusion and bent down to try and hear what she was saying above the roaring engines of the old bone-shaker bus.

“… Do you… Want to touch me?”

Inside my mind, I went “WOO HOO!!!” again, while cartwheeling and doing fist pumps high in the air. In reality though, I was scared as hell. If I said ‘yes’, what would it mean for us both? What would happen? I can assure you that no decent 16 year old in 1997 will truly have any idea what to do. We didn’t have access to pornography. Most of what we know were what we learned from friends who went havoc. I might hang out with some of the “big brothers” in school, but I wasn’t one of them. Sure, we all have fantasies and desires, but to suddenly have them come true…

“Yes.”

Setting aside her schoolbag, Xin Yi turned to look up at me with those wide vulnerable eyes, giving me a little smile that seemed to say, “It’s our little secret.” It was a smile that I would come to be very familiar with. My hands were shaking as I scooted closer to her on the seat, looking around and realising that there was nobody on board the bus at this time of the day. The last auntie had gotten off the previous stop. There weren’t so many people in Singapore back in those days. How lucky could I be?

When I turned back to look at her, her face was again inches away from me… Her eyes were closing, her breath smelled sweet this time, and I could feel her hand creeping around my waist… My left hand reciprocated, but my right never did. Somehow, I decided to place it on her neatly pleated school pinafore, sliding it down till I was almost touching her knee. As she shifted closer to me, her skirt rode up higher onto her thighs, and I could feel the cool silk of her skin. I merely stared in wonder, gingerly moving my hand up her thigh as she squirmed into my embrace.

Then, I heard her quiet gasp as my fingers felt something different. It was coarser. A lot warmer.

Was that her panties?

My heart was doing rapid somersaults together with my stomach. I have often heard stories from the “big brothers” of my school since the day I enrolled. Stories of their wild conquests and titillating experiences with girls from other schools. Stories of what worked and what didn’t. Stories that flooded my mind now.

I curled my middle finger down towards where I guessed her clitoris should be… And nearly jumped up as I suddenly felt a tiny hand around my crotch. She didn’t do anything asides from just squeeze my penis gently through my pants, but I was very quickly on my way to getting a full-blown erection. Ugh. I felt embarrassment creep in. What would she think of me? Yes, I know it’s silly for me to worry about that when I was already fiddling around under her skirt.

Another inch down. Her panties felt moist. Was that it? I gingerly rubbed onto her panties and heard her mew softly like a new born kitten.

Ah, yes.

That was it.

I decided to chance it and vigorously started rubbing on her panties. Her reaction was a major turn on for me: She grabbed a hold of my thigh and clung on tightly as she moaned just audibly enough for me to hear over the engine roar. Mm, putty in my hands now. What if I decided to vary how I do it? I took a quick peek around to check how much time I had left.

About five more stops. Good. I was so focused on getting my girlfriend to climax that my own erection was starting to die down.

With all the strength I had in my finger and wrist, I started rubbing her as though I was madly scribbling answers down in the last minute of an exam. She bit onto my shirt, making me flinch momentarily, but I persisted whatever I had to do. Dear big brothers who imparted the ancient skills to me. Thank you, wherever you are now! Probably about a few minutes later, Xin Yi stopped moaning suddenly and gasped, her hips bucking rhythmically against my finger for several long moments as I felt her orgasm wet her panties thoroughly. My first girlfriend might be a squirter! Praise the lord!

I grinned at my achievement as she turned her face up to look at me… Her face was flushed deeply, beads of perspiration had formed above her brow, one of them trickling down her cheek slowly as she continued panting softly. Her smile… It was full of gratitude and love for me. For me. My sweetheart gave me a peck on my cheek and we cuddled up until we had to get off at our stop. It was our first sexual experience together… And I am proud to say that I was the one who pleasured her without demanding the same from her.

Once the bus rumbled off behind us, our hands sought each other and our fingers intertwined. I made to walk towards our block, but Xin Yi tugged at me. Curious, I turned back to look at her, as she suddenly wrapped her arms around me for a hug.

“Darling… I want to do it for you too.” She mumbled into my chest. I could imagine her blushing furiously now.

“Hey,” I gently lifted her chin and did probably one of the most incredible things in my life, “You don’t have to do it for me, dear. I did it for you because I love you. I didn’t do it, so you would return the favour. You don’t have to force yourself, alright? Besides, I know that girls don’t like to do such stuff for a guy…”

She gave me a look and silenced me with a slender finger placed upon my lips.

“Ahem,” my girlfriend began, “Who said girls don’t like it?”

“But!” Her finger pressed down firmly upon me.

“Tsk!” Xin Yi blushed furiously, “Please leh. I like it! I like it! I like it! Can? And I also know of many other girls who enjoy it. Some of my other big sisters have even had sex already!”

Now, that was shocking. I thought all girls were innocent and us guys were supposed to be the big bad wolves. It seemed almost strange to imagine my sweet, adorable, pretty girlfriend… Masturbating.

“Mmm…” Now it was my turn to give her a look, which made her look down shyly, “Do you masturbate?”

She gave a small nod. Inside, I tried to restrain myself. I think my heart probably skipped a few beats.

“At least a few times a week?”

She gave a tiny nod. My heart rate must have doubled. I could feel my full-blown erection pressing against her, and she didn’t pull away at all. I discreetly pulled her closer towards me, so I could feel more of her body pressing against me.

“Do you… Do it with your finger inside?” She gave a barely perceptible nod. I took a few deep steadying breaths and spoke up, “Hey, we’d known each other only a day. Don’t you think it’s too soon? What if you regret? I might not be the right one…”

She jabbed me hard in the side, “Please leh. When will I ever know who’s the right one? If I’m always going to be waiting around, I’ll never get to enjoy life.”

I desperately cast my mind about for a lifeline, “But… But where can we do it? You wanna get on a bus again? Cannot be right? Sure will have people what…”

She looked at me as though I was stupid, “I thought you cat high boys damn good at finding a way out?” She started stroking my erection through the material of my shorts. Okay, that was motivation enough. I thought for a few seconds more and then grabbed her hand. Xin Yi giggled and then followed me in silence as I made my way to a flat where I knew very little people seem to live… At least, that’s my impression because I don’t see many lights from that block at night. In those days, the stairwells were not open-air. They were fully enclosed, and the only way anyone could see us was to walk into us. We broke pace a dozen meters later, suddenly aware that we were in public when we saw a few people going about their business in the distance.

Casting a sidelong glance at my girlfriend, she was perspiring from the midday sun, and her skin was flushed pink from the heat. She looked really cute to me. Her hair was still pulled back in a ponytail and I still felt guilty for going along with this. Maybe I should stop it? Still, she was the one who agreed. So, it should be alright? Right?

After almost ten minutes of walking, we entered the lift at the empty block and got made our way to the top floor. Yes, we didn’t touch each other at all. We didn’t even look at each other inside the lift. She quickly walked out in front of me, and I followed her to the top floor. Once on top, it was obvious that nobody lived here. There was nothing outside the apartment units, and dust was in a thick layer on those doors. I bet you guys didn’t know there were empty apartments in those days.

Xin Yi sneezed daintily.

I chuckled at that and stopped when gave me the evil eye. I swear, she may be small, but she’s fierce!

I casually walked over to the railings that opened out to the sky and set my bag down. Okay, what do I do now?

I heard some rustling and a snap of a band behind me.

I turned around to see my girlfriend stuffing away something white in her schoolbag. No way…

“Was that your panties?” I asked with an eyebrow arched. She nodded. Holy crap, Xin Yi had no panties on now! I could immediately feel my erection pressing against my own underwear, straining to be free… My lips were dry as I reached out for my girlfriend and pulled her into my embrace, enjoying that same feeling that I had last night as I started gently grinding myself against her. It was amazing how arousing it was to me as she was both innocent and sexy at the same time. As she was one head shorter than me, I could now feel her breasts through her school pinafore. Oh god. They are large for her size.

“Take it off.” I instructed her, “Don’t dirty it.”

Stepping back, Xin Yi ran her tiny hands across my crotch causing me to twitch. Her lips were parted ever so slightly, as she ran her hands along her body and pulled her pinafore off sensually in one smooth movement. Almost panting, I unzipped my pants in response. Oh my god. There she was, standing before me clad only in her school blouse. I could actually see the outline of her bra holding back those definite C-cup breasts that were pressing against her blouse… And she had no panties underneath. Holy shit. I took my penis out and started to slowly jerk off in front of her.

“Take off also. I want to see.”

Dropping her pinafore on top of her schoolbag, Xin Yi reached up to the top button of her blouse and teasingly popped open each button until her cleavage was showing. She was breathing heavily as she begun to slowly bend over in front of me, allowing me to gaze deeply into her cleavage, while one of her hands went down between her legs.

She let out a long sensual breath, her eyes meeting mine in a moment of intimacy. I started oozing pre-cum from the tip of my engorged penis.

Then, her other free hand reached out to wrap around my penis as I leaned back onto the railings behind me with a satisfied sigh. I was gazing upon my sweet and sexy girlfriend, still in her partially buttoned school blouse and her cleavage showing, when I spoke up after a minute.

“Could you… Suck on it?”

She took a step forward, bent down to lick the head of my penis slowly and deliberately, causing me to groan out loud and buck my hips instinctively. Her smile was angelic and devilish at the same time. I swallowed hard as she kissed my erection. After a moment, Xin Yi leaned in to take the whole of my erection in her tiny mouth. I flinched violently and almost jumped. She looked up at me with lust clouding her eyes. “Your teeth hurts.”

She made a sensual sound in her throat to acknowledge my words, causing me to snap. I gently placed my hands around her head and took control, pumping my penis in and out of her mouth as I felt her fingers between her legs speeding up. Oh god, I can’t hold. It was probably less than 5 minutes, but I had already been teased too much beforehand. I started to fuck her mouth harder and I felt her gag a little, as the vibrations from her moans caused me to speed out of control.

“I’m cumming! Baby, cumming!” I whispered urgently as I noticed her hands suddenly sink in further between her legs. Holy shit, she just finger-fucked herself all the way in. The vision of my sweet girlfriend finger-fucking in front of me was too much. It sent me over the edge as I pushed my erection deep into her mouth, firing shot after shot of semen into her throat. I could feel her swallowing desperately, the velvet-like warmth of her throat closing rapidly around the head of my penis, and causing me to cum for the longest period of time.

“Baby… Baby…” I whispered again and again, as I continued bucking my hips and trying to get my erection deeper into her mouth.

I had never cum so hard, nor so long before.

I pulled out of her when I was spent, sinking down to the floor wearily. Xin Yi was a delightful mess; some of her hair had come loose, her face bore an orgasmic afterglow, and she still had eyes only for me. I felt terribly guilty. She must have seen my guilt in my eyes again, because she came forward and cuddled me as she looked up into my eyes to hold my gaze.

“I loved it. Thank you, darling,” She purred sweetly as she licked her lips in a decidedly provocative manner.

I didn’t feel so terrible about myself as that warmth of first love settled in my heart again.

Our first time together might just be sooner than I expected…

But I still felt uncertain.

Part 1 | Part 2

Story published with permission, courtesy of White Wolf.