30s with nothing, why isn’t that a surprise to myself? But there can’t really be nothing right? How about the savings account that.. Yeah. It’s almost empty! Was it my spending habit that is breaking the bank? Perhaps some crazy collections of lighters or an addiction to sleazy massages? How about – none?

While I am not sure of how many others are there like me out there, it seemed that ‘we’ aren’t that rare after all. For one, I hate that I love this demanding-and-unrewarding industry so much, that I would tune my own needs (for more money for example) out just to enjoy myself at work.

While everyone my age is married, or at least almost ready to marry, I am here trying to figure out what is wrong with my life. There have been so many that told me to find a stable, office job like everyone my age ‘desire’. There have even been more that tell me to pursue what I hold a degree in, like the I.T. sector that is known to be expense-minded.

If you asked me if I know one thing that is harming me, I do have an answer – that is to never stop trying to build something of my own. A business, an idea, a skill, an investment, call it anything you want, but there is this ‘discontentment’ that I cannot seem to resolve, like ‘I have yet to try everything’.

Is there anyone else?

As much as I hate to say that this ‘erotica’ world is unorthodox when it comes to ‘how’ money can come, I did spend a lot of time figuring out what else can I do with my skills. Even if I considered my writing ‘skills’ to be ‘up there’, which companies can I write for that doesn’t require me to have a look degree of some sort?

Journalism? Copywriter? Secretarial? How can they seem ‘boring’ to me all at once? Back to the question of ‘what have I not tried?’, the paths I can take seems gloomy.

For someone who enjoys uncertainties, toughness, meeting demands, making people’s day, creating with one’s own hands, who at the same time, hates excessive human interactions, expectations, any so-called ‘system’, what’s left for me to choose from?

I have long accepted that I can, or rather, I prefer, to live alone, as a bachelor in nicer terms. But no one else in my life could accept that. They expect me to have a partner, if not searching for one, to have a job with stable working hours, earning little-but-monotonus (not necessarily easy).

Have I gone wrong in so many places that starting over right now, would put me somewhere someplace too late for me to accomplish anything? Right.

The catch up game. Comparisons. Peer pressure.

I know I should be settling down, we all know we should. Enough people have told us that ‘we’ve tried enough’, that ‘we should start stopping’. Why is that advice so impossible to follow?

What the fuck, am I looking for?

Freedom, creativity, ever-changing situations, doesn’t that sound like a ‘risk manager’? Or ‘at risk’ manager? Fuck.

Yeah. Fuck. I’m too late. You’re too late. And none of us will be deviating from that urge to keep carving something out for ourselves, no matter how bleak it looks, no matter how many told us that it’s enough.

I will earn, and spend, almost every last time to make sure something happens, if not, try again next paycheck. There has to be something that I can create.


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