3 Volumes Singaporeans have Sex in

In Singapore, there seems to be only three volumes that we have sex in (don’t tell me you were expecting something related to politics), at about five commonly known residential/ recreational places, in about four situations. It’s not because couples in our country are more shy or less vocal, but it is closely related to style of our residential estates. Having HDB flats IS the only way we can accommodate so many people in our small area, redefining what ‘neighbours’ meant the moment we were born. Long gone are the days where people come over to borrow salt and what not, but long-term neighbours do still share food during festivals or celebrations.

I’ve received bak gwa, baby shower sets (consisting of red hard boiled eggs and cakes), and the more immeasurable gifts of greetings and concern. How can I complain with the free financial advice (from my immediate neighbour) and nosey interviews (from my distant neighbours) about the new girl I brought home?

The door-to-door Yakult seller, garang guni man, ice cream motorcycles, they all represent my childhood! At the end of the day, it’s the funeral processions that remind me to treasure my life, until I have to ‘update’ my granny about the passing of yet another resident in our estate.

For now, I just need to endure the eerie wails of cats under my block.

3. Loud

If you own a landed property (not the type that shares half your building with another household) in our tiny land, I consider you to be one of the wealthier people here. A bungalow or semi-D gives you fair a bit distance before you see the pissed off faces of your neighbours caused by the barking of your crazy dog that has short term memory, or the face of the sexy female you always see changing clothes at the window.

Not only you are able to walk around naked in your house, no one is ‘too’ disturbed by the appearance of lingerie-clad ladies or the tight underwear you trimmed your lawn in. After all, everyone understands the calibre of people in such big houses. Extraordinary wealth, quirky habits, unusual needs for privacy, consensus hatred for high rise, are some reasons people choose to live in castles. Even if they heard you (a guy) making feminine moans, they are totally judgement free. (Unlike next door neighbours that gives you a smirky look if you’re a guy.)

You are free to moan as loud as you want, at any part of your house. Even the most posh hotel might not be able to provide that kind of freedom. I bet there are even some windows with no residents opposite where you can paste your boobs on or jerk your hips at.

A well-earned luxury indeed.

2. Medium

In a condo, HDB or hotel rooms (with only you and your partner), someone is likely to be on the other side of your bedroom wall. While they (the walls) are built thick, hard objects knocking against it will imminently make soft tapping noises at the other side. Still, voices don’t travel easily through them and you are still free to bang as hard as you want, trying to make your partner surrender with sharp screams and deep groans.

Take note of where your headboard is lying against, and the sides of your bed where you thought was an inch away from the wall. While we are most concerned with waking our neighbours up with physical disturbance, we need to pay attention to the rest of the room too.

Surprisingly, AIR is a fantastic medium to transport sound. Upstairs, downstairs, your ‘music’ can be heard from your windows. For some reason, hotel doors are the thinnest, as if they are used to broadcast the results of their comfortable beds.

Despite the safety of the thick walls and sturdy beds, there is also the psychological fears that you are too loud, no matter if anyone lives around you. Acting shy to retain your impression of him/ her, plays a tiny part when you couldn’t hear how good you are from their mouths. The expressions on one’s face is the best way to tell if everyone is enjoying it.

So, a little softer then?

1. Soft (or silent)

This particular volume can affect even the ‘private property owners’, by simply including someone else in their own home. It would most likely to be family members, or a room you rented out for extra cash. Also, doing it in public places, enclosed or not, will silence your passionate sex into a mime performance.

I understand that, at different times during a love-making session, our volume fluctuates. Some moan louder when they are eaten out, and some scream for help with just light touching. In discreet public places, it is mandatory to whisper. Very very few of us realised that whispering in otherwise quiet places actually makes your presence more obvious. Well, it could be better not knowing you have been discovered than panicking when exposed.

We have developed special skills from the inconvenience of having ears everywhere, from parents in living rooms, to the open air corners of HDBs. Women have learnt to breath loudly instead of letting it go, and men invented a new touch-and-go-and-repeat kind of thrusts. Experience the lightest taps (of his hips) on your ass that resonates loudly in your pussy, still able to go deep without any *piak* sounds.

Blowjobs now have gagging noises that are more sexy that slurping wet ones, reconstructing the air-tight style men preferred. Our teeth get their maintenance by biting on soft surfaces like pillows, or our own forearms. What a great time to be alive.

Now, for the one special location that we can be as loud as we want, in the expense of comfort (and less cash than buying a landed).

0. The full range of volume

The Car. Car sex is considered to be spontaneous no matter if you have planned for it to happen. Apart from cars being damn expensive in Singapore, convenience is the number one reason to own one, especially with our reliably packed public transport. Just remember to feed and clean it occasionally (or frequently?).

We are free to park the four wheeled wife anywhere we felt safe, and even install films/ screens that improves wildness. Air-conditioning cuts down noise, and the huge rubber tires cushions even the most violent thrusts.

The radio is there to help with the awkwardness and fear of being heard, letting one express vocally without restraints. No matter when, as long as in the right spot, you can fuck in the day as crazily as night. You can even participate in ‘mass outdoor romps’ with couples in other ‘newspaper-covered’ cars.

There is only two skills needed here (besides earning enough to buy/ maintain a car). It’s the ability to freeze, and recover in times of discovery. With the number of ‘hotspot’ for car sex dropping, our ninja skills become more important to survive and pro-create. I’m not sure about the health aspect of frequent car sex with the engine running though.

Carpool with a twist.. anyone?

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