Well, you know what? Joseph, the author of
Jose Can’t Stop Writing, was the inspiration to write this. Same intentions, hopefully as touching.
In my secondary school days, one major event got me reflecting on my future. Among the days of zero-fuck approach to homework and studies, I was devoted to my CCA. So much that I had neglected my studies. And yes, let’s not forget the MMORPG that threw me off balance – Ragnarok Online. Those were the times. Regret, no. Cause if I didn’t retained, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I retained in secondary three express, and it was that long Nov-Dec holiday that I picked up a book titled ‘Matrix Warrior – How to unplug yourself’. I read that book over and over again, seventeen times to be exact. Life then, had changed completely when I started living in a third person’s view.
The disappointment from my parents was devastating, and I put more time into studies, faring O-K for my O’ levels. Still, I didn’t feel like I was living my own life then. I was driven by the fear of disappointment.
Moving on to poly, I met my first girlfriend, and after two years, we broke up. A few weeks before that fateful day, I wrote a five sentence ‘story’ of one of our sexventures, which led me to an online search for sex stories.
Final year, the most important and unimportant year, at once. I screwed up my FYP and attachment was just a way to get by the second half of the year. Luckily, I passed with borderline results and got my diploma nonetheless. It was painful to hid my sorrows behind a straight face. I was still crying myself to sleep. You read that right.
Thereafter, I stumbled upon LindaMichelle’s InnocentSlut’s blog, depicting a side of Singapore that I had never imagined anyone to write about. Was it even legal? Excitement soon mixed into sadness (of the breakup), and I began writing short recounts of what my ex and I did. Third year of poly, that was 2009.
I was that long-haired guy who was really too lazy to get a haircut, so emotionally confused that embarked on a journey. A journey that no one would have jumped into without a huge stab in his heart. Before I enlisted (June 2010), I went into a hibernation state. The library, bookstores, Wikipedia, became my best friends.
Happy I was to be distracted FROM sadness, seeking out more blogs like LindaMichelle’s. I was certain I was one of the first (few) to join the leagues of Erotiwriters. This porno-graphical side that is far from videos, consisting of texts! Lines after lines, para after para. Right then, those 26 letters in the English language, dawned upon me as the most powerful weapons ever invented by mankind.
You see, the thing that led to my first break up was anger. I had no control over my own emotions and it was only after so much research (on anger and human anatomy at the same time) that I learnt about emotions. When I discovered secrets my own mind, anger had vanished at the same time I learnt keep my emotions in full control. It was the very thing that frightened me with thoughts of losing her, and also the thing that wouldn’t let me forget her.
For a short period of time, it was the driving force of the darker stories I wrote in the beginning of this blog. But when anger finally bade its goodbye, so did my first ex-girlfriend. She was gone. For a good reason too.
From then on, what I wanted to feel was what I did not hold myself from feeling. There was no need to hold back from sadness, disappointment, frustration (that I endured). The last time I did the rowcall, anger was still absent.
NS was pretty much an experience for me. Those two years, all I wanted was everything. Everything the army could throw at me. I had continued writing into BMT, leading to a few discoveries that there was someone better than the J that existed then, and a few buddies that got closer after reading my blog..
In my second year of National Service, I met my second girlfriend. We knew each other online, and she was the first person I had met from a Window-based, social network ‘game’. I was her first too. Things started out great and she put me on an emotional roller-coaster with her innocence, ‘a guy came over to my house today’, ‘we had dinner with my dad’. It turned out to be her badminton coach.
We progressed without a hitch for two years, all the way after I ended my NS stint and started working. She knew about what I wrote and was intrigued by the mood I was in when I wrote them. ‘What is he thinking, like really thinking when he wrote [insert title]?’ I actually wrote more during her companionship than ever before, knowing that she was behind my back. The only request from her was to never mention anything about my blog in her presence. Why would there be any reason to? It had never meant to cross the paths of my day and night life (umm.. I usually write at night).
In December 2013, the happiness that I was giving her was not the one she think she was happy with. So, like me when I broke up with my first, she left – in turn seeking the other types of happiness out there. I can only wish for her to succeed.
Then, I was still emotionally detached. I had not forced her to be with me, and there was no foreseeable force to hold her back. My mind let go of her and it took me two weeks to pull myself together. Not that I had no hope in her, it’s just that.. emotions and love felt somewhat like Bitcoins. The value of a relationship, or in fact, in any relationship, is purely built on what either party is willing to put in.
I had put in 100% and she did the same. She decided that it was worth 0% one day, and 100 x 0 is 0. So, there she goes~
I remained single for about six months, committed to work and nothing else. Nothing could hurt a heartless man. In and out of jobs I went, but that was superficial to me. It was the present I would not allow myself to hold back from enjoying. As I checked my blog occasionally, Ella, the author of Promiscuous Secrets, came into the picture.
We corresponded through emails, getting more personal with each draft sent. Soon, we were talking all about our personal lives, what we faced. Among the shared sense of compassion and understanding, she got me back to what stayed with me throughout (and beyond) the second relationship. It was this blog.
There are people who still checks this place, complaining about the lack of updates, urging me to shorten the three days wait, pondering about the possibilities of more photos. That effort you guys spent to type into that Cbox and emails, surely they cannot be ignored.
So, I returned to writing and was in time to fix the November saga. As of now, I am attached. But don’t put your hopes of seeing her (or parts of her) here too high up. Cause that’s unlikely to happen. She’s just not into this. *If you’re reading this, hint hint! Or you could just pretend you didn’t see this.*
Currently jobless, I am not too worried about the F&B industry’s lack of urgency to hire a barista. I guess it’s time to take a break and do silly things like building my Bitcoin mining rig.
My social life isn’t all that fancy like how my stories painted me to ‘have’. I’m not those bad guys that good girls could easily like. Not that my current IS a bad girl, but simply put it – I am uninteresting.
Words of wisdom to single, uninteresting, guys out there. Love canNOT be seeked. It can be; groomed, or discovered. Sure, love at first sight might not be a myth, but if you build Rome in a day, it surely can be torn down in hours.
If you are in a relationship, keep strengthening the foundations. If you are not in one, build your part of the foundations. Someone will stop in their tracks and see what strong arms, big teeth, powerful tool you have, and willing be ‘eaten’ by you. Okay. I am getting kind of feminist here.
Me, I’m just another guy out there girls wouldn’t pay attention to. I have none of those fancy clothes, cool looking rides, or even a jaw-dropping résumé, let alone exciting night life. Here’s a quote I recalled.
‘It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.’ – Rachel Dawes (excerpt Batman Begins 2005)
Okay, so looking good, driving kick-ass cars, and having a night life is what I should do to define myself. My bad! Not the most inspiring quote.
Where I am now (nowhere), I couldn’t have hoped for more or less. Believe it or not, everything that happened happened for a reason. If nothing has happened yet, then something huge is coming.
Oh yeah. ‘Good things don’t last forever’, sadly, this phrase has not disappointed me yet. My second girlfriend, my seemingly potential (recent cafe). Though they didn’t went up in flames, it did burn me a little.
A heart covered with scars, knows no more pain.
A nice summary of all the good girls turned bad, and bad guys turned good. Quite the irony huh? There will be no words to thank you guys for reading cause I have done that a few entries below, but for the people who stood for and against me, thank you.
I am happy where I am now. I have accepted what is mine, and what will never be mine. However, an upgrade to any of my stuff will be much appreciated! Like she, whom has stepped foot into my life. Given? Definitely. And if you guys haven’t realised, anything good that happens in my life is a bonus, that I will never, ever take for granted. Cause no one ever gets what they asks for, especially me.
Be thankful for what you have, and more will soon come to follow. Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I have no idea what that phrase is for.