I am writing this for a female friend, who is in a similar situation like me. In this post, I will be myself, where I am a mirror, that reflects who she is, and hopefully show her that there will be someone who will understand her, no matter how complex she think she is. It has been some time since this blog has any true personal entries, so expect not to comprehend what I type here, for it is for her that this message is intended for.
You are a sheep in my eyes, that once had nothing to worry about, except your own happiness. And as life went on, you got into relationships, and out of them. Through those experiences, you have redefined happiness into something that seemed indefinable. No ambition for the future, and no knowledge of the past, that was how you were living, carefree to be precise.
All these while alone in Singapore, you had accepted the fact that your ex was the one who brought you to this place, and from then, grew into who you are now. Confused, and for a stronger word, I would use ‘delusional’. Men will be men, having intentions that they cannot lie through, yet strive to convince that they are out there to purely make friends.
For someone like you, with that figure every male could only dreamt of holding, you had no lack of suitors. But at the same time, you are aware of what attracted them, and feels sad guys see you in that light. Having a good figure is your way to separate men from beasts, and as time passed, the rare seemed to be getting rarer.
Gradually, you began clubbing, hanging out with guys to find the one thing I have been telling you – solace. What you truly seek is that hug, that attention, going to you instead of your slender shoulders or slim thighs. It is the feeling of lost, that drove you to jump into the dangerous waters to find that one needle in the haystack. And when you found someone who cared and paid attention to you, you grew to protect and defend your heart that has been battered with failed relationships, creating obstacles that you know not just anyone could pass.
In a way, I would commend you for such maturity, but deep down inside, you are losing faith in yourself, of meeting someone that would cross the hurdles you had naturally formed. You did not blame your ex-boyfriends nor yourself for the numbness you felt. Frankly speaking, you had no idea what had caused it, or what has happened between the old, comfortable feeling ‘you’, and the new fun seeking, heart forgotten ‘you’.
‘Fun’ was the word you gave me when I asked for the word best describing you. And it is the exact opposite that you felt but did not express. To you, fun is an escape, just a partial one that made you feel safer. My favourite phrase was ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’, and that was exactly what you did. You don’t know who you are, what you are looking for, what you want. And those unknowns seem to be better than sleeping early, or spending quiet moments, letting those emptiness and mysterious blank thoughts bother you.
You want to find yourself back, but unsure if the old self was better. You had tried reinventing yourself, but too much was lost that you had no foundations to build on. Dressing sexy, looking good, had become your way of getting the attraction back to yourself.
All the time I had chatted with you, it was your confused mind that had many openings to look into. That feeling of fear, uncertainty (towards men who approached you), the lack of foundations (your true principles), were all there. No one had truly tried to understand you, but you had long given up on that, or perhaps just waiting indefinitely for that person to appear. What you tell people, and how you responded when he kissed you, are all part of your heart’s defences to ask you to hold back.
Your heart needed more time than your mind to access the person, and what you can say to others are just part of the off-the-shelf topics your mind prepared. Yes, you have shared what you think and how you felt, but your heart is still trying to catch up and match what you think and how you feel. I can tell that you are holding yourself back. When you’re alone in your room, your heart then showed you what was mismatched, but it was too late. Anyway, you would never share them with just anyone.
There are attempts to slow things down and find yourself, but circumstances are not letting you do it. People asking you out, temptations to drown yourself in music and alcohol, it was a relieve to you that you are still remembered, no matter for what reasons (even lust). So, you skipped the tough part of managing yourself, and hopped into letting people lead you.
I wished I could write more about you, but up till here, what I said above was what I felt about you, and I hope it is as accurate as it can get. There will be grey areas, or even wrong pointers. Before you tell me that is not how you feel or think, give yourself a day, to affirm that particular point(s) are wrong. To me, if I had expressed anything you find wrong, it would mean to me that at least you’ve got that specific thoughts figured out.
Does anyone want to know who she is?