After Life.

There are times when I did the wrong things, or did not do anything when I was supposed to. I loved so selflessly that I found myself selfish to be thinking I was giving you the life you wanted. Fear and confusion came like my previous relationship, sending me crazy and lost. So afraid to lose someone important again, I returned to my past self and sought answers that probably irritated you to the point you might think it’s right for you to leave me.

Now, I am writing this to calm myself, and sort my thoughts out. Only when the mistake was made, did I realise how foolish I was. I couldn’t find anything wrong that I did, but that doesn’t mean I did everything right. For every cause, there is a reason. I strongly believed in that. Anyone can affect everyone, and on my part, I didn’t help you get out of the dilemma that made you make this decision.

I once lost myself because of change. Changing for someone I love is the worst thing to do, and I learnt it the hard way. Although I told you I am myself while together, there are things I’ve done and never told you about. I’ve done things that hurt me, but when you smiled, I know it was all worth it. Till date, I am not sure if I have really believed in love after the last breakup. To hold onto things lightly was my only way to prevent any more pain. Maybe that was what I’ve done wrong – to not hold you tight enough.

Space, time, when you asked for them, I fall into despair. I want to know why, but am afraid of your answer. Of course, things might just turn out fine. But why did you ask for more space and time to yourself? The whys will not end. But I have learnt not to question. I constantly reminded myself that it is my honour to have someone spend a day, in your case, two years plus, with me. I should not have anything to ask from you, anymore.

No matter what course of actions you’ve decided to take, you have chosen to leave me out of the picture. Maybe I am the thing you can let go off without affecting your future. Maybe I am too understanding, maybe you know I will let you go for love.

‘I love you more’, was what you told me. Is it true? Am I suppose to wait or let you go whenever you asked? As painful as it is, I want you to be happy. I have given up a lot of things, friends, freedom, life, to give you all my attention. Sure, this blog is an exception, but I have never let this place take up time that we can spend together.

What can I do so such things will not happen again? I think it was beyond my powers. But only you know the truth. I want to be with you. I want you by my side, in my arms, in my heart again. If I have not met anyone who deserves my love, I will accept take you as mine again. Tired is the only word I find suitable to describe what I feel now. But giving up.. I don’t think I can do that easily. I have used you as my mental and emotion support for years, and I am still hanging on.

Now that the pillar is vanishing, I just feel.. nothing. Tears will flow. Something will be missing. It is all but emptiness that occupies my heart. Will you be mine again? And let me love you the same way? You need your space now, and time has never passed slower than now.

‘To sleep and never wake up’, the one wish of my life. Which night will it be?

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