Ali(Sex)press – Roundup #1

As we all know, things here aren’t exactly cheap, especially when it comes to novelty items that are of an ‘adult nature’. While sex shops are a-little-plenty, they mainly carry reputable (read; branded) products that are not so wallet-friendly for younger couples, experimenting older-folks, and solo taskers.

Like some of you out there, I am always up for a good deal, purely motivated by monetary savings. Though i have to admit that bigger companies/ well-known brands are capable of building sturdier products, there are still some demands for certain features, that smaller, budding companies are more willing to explore. After all, all of these adult-toys-producing companies are looking for a niche of their own to shine in.

Where else, would I find a better(?), cheaper, and more enterprising/ competitive market than AliExpress? The moment you get on Ma’s e-commerce site, you will most certainly, like me, find things you don’t really need but suddenly want it because of its low price. Despite my fears, and the rare occasions that goods don’t get delivered, arrive beaten-up, or even failed spectacularly to meet my (zero) expectations, my shopping experience remains largely satisfactory (accounting for reasonable dispute-management, slightly-delayed-but-existent response to inquiries, accommodating vendors who wouldn’t just ‘ignore’ any dissatisfaction).

So! In this repressive, dire times for entertainment and (sexual) inspiration, fuelled partly by my need to inject something ‘new’ into this monotonous(?), text-filled blog, I will be making my first ever attempt to roundup goods I have personally ordered, received, and used, on myself or her ;) , along with many witty comments I can come up with. Scroll away!

Disclaimer: I am not sponsored by AliExpress or its stores, thus only direct (not affiliated) are included. While I am fairly sure that the other listings and recommendations (for ‘similar’ products) you may stumble upon, come from the same factory, I cannot vouch for their credibility since I only bought from the stores I explicitly linked below.

1. LeThink Wireless (Bluetooth) Vibrator

LeThink – Magic Motion Wireless Vibrator

The ‘appeal’, of having someone ‘under control’ has always been valid, and real as the desire to be ‘controlled’. For a long time, we have relied on wired-type, bullet vibrator, as ‘wireless’ seemed to be ‘indulgent’, ‘impractical’, and even ‘cumbersome’ to use.

Concerns like battery replacement, unstable connections, size, longevity, were very legitimate – then. With innovation and progress in technology, this particular genre of sex toy has been advancing as well.

Leveraging on the fact that we are always with our phones, the use of ‘bluetooth’ in a vibrator couldn’t have come at a better time. Since a small number of us aren’t hesitant about ‘playing’ with our phones during together-time, you might as well do something helpful with it.

Besides bluetooth, it also addresses one major problem – battery.

Yay for USB charging!

Yes, you saw that right. It accepts direct charging through a USB port, though I won’t recommend you do what the image demonstrated. This toy wouldn’t make a good laptop stand. Nonetheless, there you have it.

Battery, solved. Remote control, solved. Size? Take out a ruler and follow me.

At its widest, it measures 3.7cm, and at its longest, 10cm. Curved for ease-of-insertion, and I think reasonably-sized against any accidental ‘fall-out’, bet you guys didn’t know that it can be dislodged if your woman is wet, and relaxed enough, right? (Therefore wear-a-panties for him to take off, and not drop-the-vibrator for him to pick up.)

More information below.

2. Runyu Butt/ Anal Plug

Explore your other world.

As a man of equivocal culture, I have explored other possibilities but not limited to the obvious clue above. But what the hell. If you haven’t tried it, or haven’t found something at a beginner-level to get into it, now is perhaps the time to know your other end.

Since this is a post for product recommendation, I will not be getting into the pros-and-pros of such adventure, and instead focus on why I am bringing this here.

For starters, men and women alike, there has been times we contemplate about doing otherworldly ‘things’ to see if there is something else out there. The references we have come across, both see and heard, didn’t seem to be very reassuring, yet we have not made our minds up about eliminating such possibilities.

So here, I am recommending you this particular product from this particular store, because they carry a (pinky) size you would probably laugh at.

Guess which one am I asking you to.

If you are reluctant, like me, about making ass-play a major part in your sex life, the smallest of them will be as undaunting as we can accept. It adds a little tingle, that would give you glimpses of your potential, but never too forceful that you can feel any ‘disgust’ or ‘offense’ with yourself. It will just – open your eyes a little, and do nothing else. So why not?

Refer to image directly-above for all available information. The seller did not provide any other images more helpful than that.

3. COKELIFE Magic Powder (Lubricant)

Hmm.. I wonder.

I won’t deny this – sometimes, I, or rather, she needs lubricant. Brands like NuruGel and Durex are pretty well-known, for their capability to produce fantastical lubricants that they cannot even imagine what people would use them for.

Sold in small bottles, they remain relatively affordable – if we moderate our use. In my case, I could almost feel a tiny pinch each time I required more lube, and it literally costs me a (small) price tag to ‘love myself’.

While some of us are limited by circumstances to use soap, store-bought lubricants, I’m sure none of us would wish to use our own spit (eww) if we had a choice. In short, store-bought lubricants can get expensive if they’re required frequently, or used lavish, and there is (now) a more-affordable way to ‘make your own’ (some non-tedious effort required).

Here it comes!

For the Mandarin-challenged people, this COKELIFE-branded bottle contains a ‘magic’ powder. When you add said powder to warm water, it mysteriously increases the viscosity of the liquid. Weighing in at 45 grams, it is advertised to produce up to 500 litres of lubricant.

‘What shit’, you might utter to yourself, but having bought and used it (in various lazy ways that failed and succeeded), I can assure you that there will come a time you doubt the need for ‘this much’ lubricant.

Follow the instructions below;

Step 1: Add 5g to 50ml of water. (Seriously, add the smallest amount you can nudge out of the bottle and add more later if needed. I don’t recommend making more than ~50ml of lube at any one time.)

Step 2: Stir. (Don’t ever think ‘the hotter the water, the faster it will dissolve’, that isn’t remotely true in this case. Make sure the water is at a temperature you can dip a finger in. In this case, ‘a little warm’ is good enough.)

Step 3: Stir really thoroughly. (Make sure there is no powder visible before you add more. Don’t be afraid to dip your fingers in to test its texture.)

Step 4: Have fun with it! (Don’t be mistakened that this lube will last forever. Over time, the liquid will get thicker, to the point that you will worry if it can go down the drain; it will. Only mix as much as you think you need. Advertised expiry: 1 month.)

More notes;

  1. While the powder might resemble ‘starch’, and its accompany label (on bottle) mentioned ‘all natural/ plant-based’, it is not food-grade.
  2. If you ever try to make milo/ green tea/ ribena/ vodka cranberry into a lube, please remember the point above and pay extreme attention to the effects of sugar on a lady’s part.
  3. As ‘convenient’ as water-based sound, this particular lube can be very slippery, as it is dangerously-invisible on bathroom tiles. Use with great care, and little moderation.
  4. Unlike consumer-grade lubricant, be prepared for the need to rinse said product off (bodies) as it doesn’t get absorbed or dry easily (if you concocted an especially-viscous batch.)

4. Applicator Syringe

How else?

Once you have made your tiny bottle of lube, how else would you dispense it? Alright alright, before we get into a debate amongst creative gentlemen, let me justify this product placement.

Since I started ‘making’ my own lubricant, I have rinsed out countless bottles that I have bought, or repurposed for the singular goal to dispense the lube cleanly, and professionally (a small amount at a time).

Big pump bottles (like your body wash), small(er) pump bottles (like commercial hand-sanitiser), large squeeze bottle (upcycled Durex Massage Play 2-in-1), small(er) squeeze bottle (like your hand-sanitiser), lotion bottle (that outputs out a small, tiny blob), I am officially calling for ideas more useful than mine.

In the end, I settled for an espresso-sized cup that I would mix directly in, adequate to hold the resulting 50ml+ of lube, and shallow enough for the applicator to reach its bottom. Heck, I even used the applicator as a stirrer to skip washing that one spoon.

As a result, I have (unintentionally) imposed on myself to make frequent, fresh batches of lube, along with whatever Redman essence/ flavours I have lying around my kitchen. Improv for the win!

Not that this size matter.

Till next time y’all!

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